long distance survival guide

For a few years my friends and Howie have been telling me I should write a book on surviving long-distance.

I’ll start with a blog post.

At this point you may be wondering what sort of credentials I possess that make me any sort of long-distance relationship expert. Well, out of the 7 years of dating, and 1.5 years of engagement with Howie, 4.5 years of that time was spent in far away cities, different provinces, and at one point different continents for 6 months.

So yah, I’m an expert.

And as an expert, here is my first, radical statement that may cause several !gasps!: DISTANCE IS NEVER THE REASON PEOPLE BREAK UP.

It’s all the other reasons they don’t work as a couple. Distance can be used as a really good excuse to get out of a relationship you just aren’t feeling anymore. Yes, it adds a lot of stress to a relationship, but if a couple is committed to make it work, and I mean convinced they are right for each other, then miles, mountains, deserts and oceans are merely obstacles, not show-stoppers

So from time to time I’ll be making periodic posts for women attempting to survive a long-distance relationship. Today, we start with lesson one:

Lesson One: Don’t get crazy. I’m serious. It is really hard not get crazy sometimes. Especially on the bad days when your pants are too tight, everyone keeps asking you if you’re tired, all your girlfriends get to go on their stupid physical dates with their REAL boyfriends and 30 Rock is another rerun after you were convinced it was a new episode. All you need is to hear his voice, and be reassured you are amazing. Instead, you get his voicemail.

That’s when your inner jealous voice starts speaking to you and…. you go crazy. My inner jealous voice was named Bertha and she spoke in a raspy mannish voice. These are the kind of conversations that would happen inside my head with Bertha – I like to imagine this as a Smeagol/Gollum sort of situation:

Bertha: Voicemail again?!? WTF? Where is he? He should be home by now!
Me: It’s ok maybe he’s just with friends
Bertha: With friends?!? How rude! Why didn’t he tell us he was going out with friends?!
Me: Maybe it was a last minute thing, maybe there is a test he needs to study for
Bertha: Test!? HA! Not likely. He must be out with friends and he didn’t tell us because there’s a random GIRL that he’s keeping from us!
Me: Random girl? No! That can’t be true. Howie would never… he loves me!
Bertha: He’s with that random girl who posted on his wall about “how hilarious” history class was! And we both know, my precious, history class is NOT hilarious!
Me: No…history class is not hilarious… who is this girl? How could Howie do this to me?! He would never be like this!
Bertha: He’s a man, my precious. They are ALL like this. And worse… he’s a HOCKEY PLAYER. They are born to do this.
Me: No! No! This can’t be true! Howie how could you? Where are you? WHY aren’t you answering your phone.

Ten minutes later Howie finds he has 37 missed calls and all his buddies are telling him to message you back because his “crazy” girlfriend keeps texting them. He dials you back only to horrifyingly discover his lovely girlfriend has been replaced by Bertha, a jealously-crazed troll-like creature. Before Bertha can start her rant, Howie manages to ask, “What up?! What’s wrong? I was in the washroom. Apparently you can’t eat burritos that have been sitting on a counter for two days.”

With that, Bertha takes a hike and you realize you will never be in trouble of losing Howie to another girl.

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2 thoughts on “long distance survival guide

  1. ahha I have had some Bertha moments in my day. My fiance and I have had a long distance relationship for 5.5 of our 7 years dating. I cannot wait to be able to see him everyday, but you’re right, distance is never the actual reason to break up. We are both testament to that.
    Great blog! I need the advice to prepare for wife-hood! 🙂

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