For the record, I was never a puck bunny.* The fact that Howie and I started dating in his first year of the OHL was merely a coincidence. I did not hang around arenas scoping out hockey players, never once attended a team party and certainly never attended an ice hockey game wearing a mini-skirt. Yes, I like how Howie looks in shoulder pads, but that does not make me a puck bunny. Despite these truths, friends endearingly like to tease me with this name.
Though it’s been a while since I’ve watched Howie play competitive hockey, I was really looking forward to watching him compete in a for-charity ball hockey tournament with some friends a few weekends ago. The fact that he was playing with the new husband of my friend (and former basketball teammate) Melissa meant I had a cheering buddy. And when you get two competitive former basketball players cheering together, things can get pretty serious. When you add in a Loud Mouth who purposefully hooks* our men in the nuts, things get ugly.
The fun-loving charitable atmosphere took a turn for the worst when our men had to compete against a rather brutish oaf who clearly talked smack because he enjoyed getting a rise out of his opponents. After a few initial dirty plays and smart-aleck remarks, we soon had the entire crowd cheering for our team to spite this ridiculous Loud Mouth. At first our boys tried to maintain the higher ground, play on and ignore the fool. It wasn’t as easy for us Hockey Wives to do the same. And so the game digressed….
Here is my account of the Tale of Two Hockey Wives and the Loud Mouth
Loud Mouth cross-checks Howie across the back, Howie shoves him in the chest (so hot)
Loud Mouth: “You wanna go man?!”
Howie (who is twice his size): “Are you serious?”
Loud Mouth backs away shouting: “Ooo big tough guy eh?”
Melissa: “What is your problem?! Play the game!!”
Cheryl: “I hope you realize this is a recreational ball hockey tournament!!”
Loud Mouth: “Why are you guys even talking?! You’re not even playing!”
Melissa: “Neither are you!”
Cheryl giggles: “Shhh.. careful Melissa… he’s an idiot. We should just ignore him”
Melissa: “It’s impossible to ignore those kind of people. I can’t stand them!”
Cheryl: “I know… he’s just trying to cause trouble.”
Loud Mouth becomes excessively aggressive with Howie’s younger brother Bret, and causes a scene in which both he (Loud Mouth) and Bret end up with penalties.
Loud Mouth to Bret: “Hahaha! What a joke! You think you’re good eh? You’re the worst!”
Bret: “Wow dude. You have issues. Have you ever even got laid?”
Cheryl: “BRET! Don’t say things like that!”
Melissa: “Don’t stoop to his level Bret! He’s not worth it!”
Loud Mouth: “Hahah! I’m not worth it? Ok. Why are you still talking?”
Melissa: “Get over yourself and just play the game!”
Cheryl: (Giggles) “Nice one.”
Loud Mouth continues to do idiotic things, gets a few penalties and eventually gets kicked out of the game.
Loud Mouth: “Hahaha what a joke! They think they’re so good! They suck!”
Melissa: “Ya. Just walk off and sit down.”
Loud Mouth: “Oh really? You think you’re funny?”
Melissa: “Your FACE is funny.”
And there it was. The best line ever. When all else fails, just remember the lines from grade school playgrounds. I was laughing so hard at that point. Loud Mouth didn’t have a reply to that. Take THAT Loud Mouth!
Our boys went on to win their division championship. Howie told me I’m not supposed to reveal
there was only three teams in the division how truly difficult and hard-fought the victory was. In the end, we Hockey Wives were very proud of our men and their glorious accomplishment. We stand ready to challenge anyone that would say otherwise!
* Puck bunny: Female fan of hockey players (emphasis on the player, not the game of hockey) who frequent arenas and hockey team parties for the sole purpose of hooking up with players. They severely underdress for a sport known to be played on ice.